Leap of Faith

I didn’t realize this would be so hard…

This step…. It’s almost too big. On the other side is my wife, who I have waited so long to be reunited with. I can hear her. I would recognize that voice anywhere. I stretch my foot forward but I can’t take the step because I can feel that there’s nothing there when I feel around.

How am I going to do this….. how am I going to do this.

“Baby?” I hear my wife. The sound of her voice snaps me to attention but also makes my lip quiver. I hesitate to answer because I know what she wants. She wants me to come to her but I don’t know how to get to her. All I know is that she’s there.

That…. And this moment should be impossible.

Fifteen years ago my wife and I found out that we were having a baby. We had tried so hard to reach that day so when we got the news we were beyond elated. It was the second best day of my life, only to the day she became my wife.

Somehow, though, it seemed like it was more a punishment because in the same breath that the doctor told us she was with child he also informed us that it was an ectopic pregnancy. The egg had implanted within her fallopian tube and her doctor advised her to have an abortion or she could lose her life.

We decided to keep the baby anyway. We believed that God would come through for us. We believed that this was His answer to all of our prayers. And yet….

My wife died giving birth to our son. I remember her holding her hand out to touch my cheek as I held our child who was still attached to her. She completed the circle between us that was husband, wife, and child. I smiled at her and she smiled back. She took a deep breath and whispered his name: Eli. And then she closed her eyes with that same smile on her face.

I never took my eyes off of her in that moment but I couldn’t be strong enough to hold back my tears. I heard the nurses and staff going on and on about bleeding and rushing around me but I wasn’t really giving them the time. I wasn’t going to miss my last moment with her. I moved in and kissed her sweaty forehead.

“Until we meet again…” I said. God knows what’s best. I will trust His plan. Someone pulled me back out of the way and began to commence compressions. I never took my eyes off of her face. She was still smiling even then. That was what mattered to me.

Somehow, I regained my senses when I heard my name being called. I looked up to see a nurse trying to get my attention.

“I need to check the baby, if you don’t mind” she said. She was obviously uncomfortable with asking me for the baby knowing that my wife had just passed. I nodded and handed Eli over to her. She stood there looking at the baby for a moment, her face seemed to be ashen. She quickly walked across the room where another group of professionals crowded around him. I could hear them. I was not stupid.

God had called Eli back to be with his mother.

I looked back at my wife for a moment, still smiling despite the rough compressions they were doing. Then I looked down at my hands. I put them over my face and sobbed quietly in the corner of the room.

“Baby?” my wife called to me again. I could hear the sound of waves crashing. I didn’t live near any bodies of water. There was only one explanation for this moment and yet, that explanation wasn’t enough.

“Yes?” my voice cracked as the sound of her voice brought tears to my eyes.

“Are you going to come home with us?” she asked. She seemed to be unsure of what my answer would be. Would I come home with you? Home. To be with my wife again and my son, who I never got to know.

“You know I will” I said to her. Lord, I trust you to take care of me. I trust your good and perfect will. I trust that you have made the best decision for my life and that is all that matters. Thank you for allowing me the moment. Amen

And then I jumped.